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Kawano Terumi
06 November 2013 @ 09:59 pm
Hello Diary,
I haven't wrote to you in a long time. Let's just say I had been in a a good mood, but as soon as my fourth year in pharmacy had started, I've been feeling awefully down. I do not think it comes with the season, as I don't really mind the cold weather or the rather gloomy days... I'm just so stressed. Lately, I've been wanting to die, wanting to be diagnosed with a disease that would kill me, or just make me disabled for a while.... I've been wanting to be in a car accident, falling of the train trails in the subway... Gosh, you can't imagine how I've been trying to run away from everything... I can't keep up. I want to stand still, but the world keeps advancing and pushing me foward, but all I want is to stand still. I don't care about the future anymore... I do not wish for it anymore... All I want it to lay on my bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.... I don't know if I'm developping anxiety, but I've been having palpitation and trouble breathing lately... No, I do not think it's the flu... I'm not sure what to do... I'd like to stop but I can't.
 
 
Kawano Terumi
22 January 2013 @ 09:21 pm
I dreamt about my ex again.
This time it was a bit different. He totally came out of nowhere from the Unites States "just to see me"... He was waiting for me in my kitchen downstairs. But we didn't plan this cisit and I had something planned with my boyfriend so I told him I didn't have much time... He seemed quite disapointed, saying he came all the way to see me. Because, because he stills loves...** and the words were cut because I did not want to hear them, I left to go upstairs to see my boyfriend, he didn't seem to be in a good mood... I can't remember much, but I seemed to be in pain.. For what reason? I wonder...
 
 
I feel: confusedconfused
 
 
Kawano Terumi
14 January 2013 @ 08:38 pm
It happens rather often. Me, getting mad at my father... Well, he also seems to get mad at me often too. So yeah, we are on equal footing. Most of the time, I get mad at him because he seems to enjoy talking behind my back. Once, he got uber mad because I did not shovel the entrance during a snowstorm... Like really? Just stay mad, this is none of my buisness. And then, he complained to my brother for talking with my boyfriend during dinner... What? Isn't it during dinner that you take the time to talk with others? Do you want to eat in silence? Sure why not, I'll just stop talking to you when I eat. And today, he complained about something... That happened just once... What the fuck. I really like how this family is all about looks. They can only criticize people, that's the only thing they are good at... If you compare my boyfriend's family to mine, they seem to be so much more welcoming and friendly... It's almost disgusting me, the difference... His parents accept me almost as their daughter, while my father almost treats my boyfriend like a stranger... I can't believe after all those time, he's treating him like that. My boyfriend is always there to help him when he asks, and he is polite and friendly towards him, so what's the deal?... Gosh.... Seems like the solution for my mother, is to not talk about that subject before dinner or else I would get mad. I would get mad nonetheless, doesn't matter when. Jesus.

And he gets mad 'cause I'm taking my boyfriend's side...

Yeah right.
 
 
I feel: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
Kawano Terumi
11 January 2013 @ 01:42 pm
Yet I don't feel like dying either... Just... Just gimme a break.

(Yes I survived last night...)
It's funny how when we "get into fights", I have no choice but to see him the next fews days because we had something planned... How should I act in front of my friends? Like nothing happened?... Erf...
 
 
I feel: depresseddepressed
 
 
Kawano Terumi
11 January 2013 @ 12:29 am
I'm angry, but I have calmed down.
A lonely walk in the cold night freshened up my thoughts. But, you wouldn't be able to imagine the words that were defiling in my head... I guess I would be almost ashamed to even show them... But I'm rather spiteful... And I'm tired... I feel like every time I go to his house it's just to waste my time... I should just stop...

Remember when you said that you liked it when I depended on you? Remember I replied, it's only convenient for you? Because you can toss me whenever you want, you don't have to answer my every single needs... You get the attention when you feel like it. And I? I'm the dog clinging to it's master looking for affection, wanting to spend time together but only gets it whenever the master feels like it... Yeah, a rather cruel comparison but that's the best way I can describe it. It's not fun for me.

And I told you, I was scared of sleeping alone tonight... Because something scary happened last night.. And still you wouldn't care. Just a childish act from me right?...

I'm sure I heard them, those noises, around 3-4 AM... Just after I turned off my computer, it went " Oohh-Ohhhhh "... It almost sounded like the Grudge, shorter, lower... It almost didn't sound human, almost mechanical... I can't remember... The first time I heard it, I thought I imagined it.Then the second sound seemed to come from outside of my bedroom and then another... From my closet, it felt so real... As if it was getting closer to me, I hid in my blanket. I was trembling, I hugged my two plushies... Begging them to protect me... I didn't dare to look out... I was afraid, I was afraid I would hear the sound again... After a while... The panic was over... I was able to calm down... How will it go tonight? Will it happen again?... I wonder... No one is going to protect me anyway... Just me and my plushies.

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I feel: crushedcrushed