[F]ading [H]ope ♥

Mao Abe - I wanna see you

2009-12-01T02:47:23Z

I wanna see you
Hold me baby
Smile me baby
Say love me

Tada aitakunatta sore dake de norikon da BASU
Kono kimochi ni riyuu nantenai no sa
'Kyuu ni doushita no' tte kimi wa warau
Ah sono tamaranaku itoshii egao wo mitakunatta'n da

I wanna see you
Hold me baby
Smile me baby
Say love me
I wanna see you
Kiss me baby
Call my name, oh
Say love me

Kimi wa itsumo YURAYURA modokashii taido bakari
Dakara yokei oikake takunaru no sa
'Suki ni kimatteru' tte kimi wa warau
Ah sono kotoba wo utagau wake ja nai no sa tada

I wanna see you
Hold me baby
Tashikameru you ni
Say love me
I wanna see you
Kiss me baby
Call my name, oh
Say love me

Itoshii itoshii demo hitasura setsunai

I wanna see you
Hold my hands, my shoulder...
Don't go away
I wanna kiss and hold you
Oh, my baby...
Cus' I love you

I wanna see you
Hold me baby
Smile me baby
Say love me
I wanna see you
Kiss me baby
Call my name, oh
Say love me
Don't go away
Cus' I love you

From Lyrics x 2

I wanted to play this song and sing it for my boyfriend for christmas, but it seems that it's much ahrder then I thought. It isnt as well known...

- B L I S S -

2009-11-27T03:57:39Z

Hehe! It feels great to go back to drawing! You really don't know how much! I had forgotten how happy you can feel after accomplishing it ^__^!

Here is a preview for you guys!

I do know there are mistakes that's why it's not done yet :)! Rin's hand is messed up, Len's feet is wrong... I need to place Len's eyebrow at the right place... And then what else? Can you find what else is wrong? This idea came from.. Maybe a dream? I don't know, I woke up in the morning and I wanted to draw them like this! I'm glad I was able to put my idea onto the paper..! DO you know how frustrating it can be not being able to convey your feelings?...

A little gift for you guys

Kitty cat Len!!

-69- A hidden word

2009-10-18T02:22:55Z

Kagamine Rin & Len - 69

rou-kyuu, I think in this song it stands for deterioration by aging.

Len : In my dream, why? You are 69,
breathe slightly and painfully.
You laugh and cry. You are as usual, but,
breathe slightly and painfully.
Your messy hair makes my heart beat faster.
69...
But it's not unpleasant.
Rather, it's good.
Nobody says you are ugly.
I love you even so.
Rin :
You loved me with your beautiful touch and mind.
Thank you. I'm sorry to have come to like you.
I can't move well.
Mind and body are not engaged.
I want to love you more.
I want to be connected to you more.
Whenever I yearn so, my body screams.
You said that it's okay.
But, it's not need, already.
You loved me even though I'm aged.
I was glad, but please, forget me, already.
But, I have one request.
At least, spend the time that we brought up among me, with somebody else.

These translated lyrics were given by a youtube user in a comment. I thought it was a sad video worth showing, don't you think so?

Fire Flower

2009-10-13T01:07:37Z

Remember the last videos I showed you from Kagamine Rin and Len?
In Len's song, there was one part that was translated differently, and I just loved what it said :

" Your body has grown cold and I can no longer melt as one with you... " This sentence could really be interpreted in many ways..!

In an adult way : You have become cold toward and you don't want to be one with me anymore.
In the songs's way : Rin's dying and Len can no longer be with her...

OKAY!

And now, I come back with a new discovery hehe!

A wonderful song from Len! And it contains Rin x Len... What could I ask more eh? =D!

" If the beginning of the world was that kiss, then the starry sky would be traces of our scattered miracles. "

I keep finding treasures...

2009-09-13T02:36:27Z

Kagamine Rin and Len are absolutely the most amazing vocaloids out there...!

Enjoy these two beautiful songs..!
I jsut love it when they both make a song to answer each others...

For Len's song, I actually understood while he wanted the snow to keep piling up... He wanted to die along side Rin.

You and Me. We make one.

2009-09-04T02:36:24Z

I am now in University.
Wow! I still can't believe i'm already at this stage of my life!
And I still have time to write on my bloggy!
...Not really, but I just found out a new song from Rin and Len :)

Enjoy~

I feel lonely without you by my side...

Recycle Bin + Salvage

2009-07-02T02:34:32Z

How I fell on this videos is the same story as for Prisoner and Paper Plane. The story is probabaly a bit less sad, but still as interesting. The songs are awesome too :D Sad and soothing. I hope you will enjoy it~

Kagamine Len - Recycle Bin

Kagamine Rin - Salvage

Blue blue blue sky blue dream

2009-06-11T05:14:22Z

Hey guys! Have you seen the new design?
Totally filled with RinxLen <3 bewhahahaha!
I giggle just by looking at it... I'm always obcessed with various things like that. Two years ago, I was addicted to HitsuHina, however, my fangirling must have been because of my ex-boyfriend. So my passion for HitsuHina has extinguished a little :( I wonder how long will I love RinxLen. Because they are vocaloids, my imagination can go even wilder LOL! And I won't get disappointed by the story, plus I won't have to wait for the episodes to come out XD! I hope my addiction to them will last a long time!

Last time, just before I left to the hospital, my mom gave me some japanese candies. Not a huge fan of gums, so I decided to give them to Nendo Rin & Len. They look quite happy with them!

Hey there!

Come closer! We have gums and candies!

Yay~ Come come come!

I hope you enjoyed the pictures! Oh yeah, I started working at LaRonde..! OMG! I fell in love with the song " Why won't you call me yet?" You should give it a try~ Try listening to each side and then the duet =) It truely is a beautiful song <3 Listen to it here. Listening to the song makes me realize more about my own relationship... How exactly? I don't know...

Another post of my nendoroids

2009-06-07T05:56:07Z

Hello there again!
On my way back home, I found these flowers. I thought they were so tiny that they could dit in my Nendoroid's hands! So I brought them home!!!

Master, I have brought flowers to you.... (*giggles* Okay, my sadistic side has taken over)

Uh...Some flowers for you...

Here are some flowers for you, Rin.

For me?

*smells* Uwah! They smell so good and they're so pretty!

Wahh! Thank you Len! *hugs*

Yeah, I was having fun all alone with my camera and these two XD!

.... Tears....

2009-05-21T01:27:42Z

So much tears fell from just reading Chapter 43 of Gakuen Alice...

Penguin ;___;!

I want a japanese name!!
Ayumu = Walk your own way <--- Aurora
Michiyo = Three thousand generations (XD?)<---- Melodin
Miharu = Beautiful clear sky<---- Idylle
Junko = Pure child<---- Lunecia
Kumiko = Eternal beautiful child
Ayaka = Colorful flower
Chiaki = Very fine in autumn (XD??)
Airi = Love + Jasmine or Pear
CHika = Scatter + Flower
Chou = Butterfly
Hotaru = Firefly
Misaki = Beautiful + Blossom
Momoko = Hundred + Paech Tree (It's my character's name!)
Ran = Orchid
Ren = Lotus + Romance
Riko = Jasmine + Child
Saki = Blossom + Hope
Sayuri = Small Lily (I think I'm in love with this one!)
Shou = Soar or Fly
Shun = Speed
Tsubaki = Cammelia flower
Yuina = Tie,bond + Vegetables, greens ( Looks like Yuna but the meaning is funny XD)

Paper plane + Prisoner

2009-05-18T22:35:10Z

While looking at random Kagamine twins youtube's videos, I fell onto this video which features the song " Paper Plane ". After looking at it clearly, it had a link with the other video I saw before called Prisoner. When I first watched Prisoner, my heart was heavy so the story was sad. But I was left with so many questions in my head, I never rewatched it... But then, when I saw Paper Plane, everything was clear. Even though I don't clearly understand the lyrics, the story is pretty much clear with the help of the images.

Kagamine Len - Prisoner (Shuujin) with English translation

Kagamine Rin - Paper plane (Kami Hikooki) with English translation

I hope you guys will enjoy! The story is really amazing and sad!

Back to emo-ing.

2009-05-13T22:39:59Z

After I read that letter... My world suddenly became gray...
And I thought I finally found the perfect balance.
Seems like I crashed.

I am currently working desesperately on my final project in chemestry. This will determinate if I get my diploma or not.
Yes, stress.

angelpsych0 @ 2009-05-09T15:35:00

2009-05-09T19:59:18Z

Lyrics

Kagamine Rin - Skeleton Life

Uki Agaru aoi sekai de
Ain no hako yukikau hashi nagame
Hi ga noboru kowakumo ureshii
Demo sukoshi nemukunatte kita
Betotsuku ashi no ura ga shibireteru
Nanimo kanjinakunaru sono mae ni mou ichido

Oshiete yo nami no nori kata wo
Boku ni wa inukaki ga seiippai
Oshiete yo ikitsugi no shikata
Sotto tewatasareta shunookeru

Yume wa same nishi kara no asa
Hoshi ga waku sakasama no sora ni mo
Hi ga shizumu suminaka ni shizukani
Munashisa to heion no hajimari
Kyou mo tada ichinichi no ura wo utsu
Kedarui hyoushi ni wa imi wa nai sore demo

Oshiete to sora no tobi kata wo
Boku wa ashisukumi kagamikomu dake
Oshiete yo sono habataki kata
Ryoute wo hirogete tameshitemiru yo

I just took the lyrics from this video :

I had trouble singing while reading on the video, so I decided to write them down! I did NOT figure out the lyrics myself, credits to the person that posted the video.

Drawing days~*

2009-05-04T03:35:46Z

Yes just like the song.
Drawing days from SPLAY

An angel without wings said to me
“I lost my map for returning home”

The powerless me draws with a paintbrush
And pours water into my dried paint

Even if my eyes lose their sight, I’ll show that I’ll draw
Even when my hand loses its strength, I’ll show that I’ll draw

A swaggering stray cat was laughing
It was laughing at me floundering while living

On my narrow and small palette
My strong will doesn’t mingle

Even in the cold and dark world, I can go draw
I can go draw a picture that the sun burning red pierces through

For someone’s sake, what can I do?
Just with that, I will from now on again

Even if my eyes lose their sight, I’ll show that I’ll draw
Even when my hand loses its strength, I’ll show that I’ll draw

In the colors that seem to envelop everything
There’s a prayer filled with all wishes

I suddenly wanted to tell you about my coming back into the world of drawings, and when I was about to write, this song popped up in my head. After reading the lyrics translation, it gave me courage and hopes. One day, I will draw again and again.. I will draw my dreams, my world and someone bring a smile on someone's face... This is my wish.

I first wanted to write something in my journal because of the song Umineko no koro ni by Shikata Akiko, it reminded how much I wanted to draw the characters!!! They are all lovely and quite unique. My favourite one is Battler <3 He is so handsome and funny! I also like the little cute Maria! Actually, I like incest between XD! Gah! I'm crazy! She's like 9 years old and he is 18! LOL

Prise dans une tempête de tourments...

2009-04-10T03:47:06Z

J'ai l'impression que rien ne va...
À l'école, je me déçois, je me lasse, je me démotive de plus en plus....
Je suis davantage consciente que mes habiletés sociales sont faibles. Jamais au secondaire n'avais-je songer à cela. Jamais au secondaire était-ce important pour moi de communiquer avec les autres gens. J'avais quelques amis, mais je n'ai jamais ressenti le besoin de plus me rapprocher.... Maintenant, lorsque je regarde autour de moi, j'ai l'impression de faire bande à part.. Pourtant, ce n'est pas le monde qui me rejette. C'est moi qui rejette le monde. Je me dis toujours que je m'entendrai jamais avec eux, que je suis trop différente... Je me marginalise toute seule. Je me demande pourquoi, je n'y arrive pas. Quand je vois les autres personnes y arriver, je sens la pression qui se fait encore plus forte... Tu n'es qu'une anti-sociale, tu n'est qu'une haïsseuse... Et c'est réellement vraie. Je suis jalouse des gens qui sont populaires, j'ai tendance à haïir ceux qui arrivent à s'entendre avec tout le monde... Je les envie juste trop.
Je déteste absolument instrumentaliser les gens. Je ne veux pas leur adresser la parole parce que j'ai besoin de leur aide... Mais même à ça, je n'ai aucune moyens d'aborder la conversation... Pourquoi suis-je si en manque d'idées que ça? Pourquoi n'est-ce pas naturelle pour moi de parler aux gens?... J'ai besoin d'aide.

J'ai été officiellement refusée en Medecine à l'Université de Laval.. Bon, je ne sais pas trop quoi en penser.. En réalité, j'avais vraiment peur des entrevues.. C'est ce qui me faisait le plus peur.... Voyez à quelle point interragir avec des gens crée une angoisse chez moi? J'avais déjà perdu tout espoir avant même d'avoir reçu ma réponse.. Alors c'est normal que je ne sois pas si déçue...

Je pense que je vais continuer à viser Pharmacie.. Même si je ne suis même pas certaine si je vais aimer ça.. En réalité, je ne pense pas que je vais faire quelque chose qui me passionne et ça m'attriste un peu.. J'ai l'impression que je n'ai pas beaucoup de qualités et que les talents que j'ai, ne sont pas assez développées..

Aujourd'hui... Bora et moi, on s'est sans cesse blessés mutuellement.. Je l'énervais, il me blessait.. Bon.... Finalement... J'avais vraiment l'impression que c'était la pire journée que j'avais passée avec lui... J'avais mal au coeur, j'avais envie de pleurer, mais bon.. C'était juste trop stupide, trop trop stupide...

« Spring is coming, I should be smiling as the sun shines brighter and brighter.... »

I've survived for 19 years old...

2009-03-24T03:03:59Z

Every year, on the 23rd of march,
I say, I've survived one more year in this life.

It might not be much but living is not always as easy. When you think about the poor, when you think about how fragile human being is, when you think about how mentally difficult life in society is... You wonder " Wow, how did I manage to get this far?" Right now, I take the time to take a deep breath and I slowly let my thoughts drift to the past.Many memories of people I have known, who are now total strangers come back to the surface. Some, I still keep in touch a little bit. And then, I think of my close friends, who I want to keep close to me as much as possible... I don't want them to drift away from me... Why am I still living? What is my dream? What is it that I want to accomplish?

Sometimes, it is difficult to answer these questions....There were many mornings when I woke up that I did not want to live. The weight of life was too heavy on my shoulders that I could not get up. I wanted to run away from my responsabilities, I wanted to do what I loved, not what "they" have imposed me. Who are "they"? Parents, family, friends, the world around... Society. Everyone is pressured. There is no exception. And then, when I waste my time on the DS, on manga, at the end of the day, I will feel guilty, regretful, stressed. Why is that? What is wrong to try to enjoy life under all this rushness? Why am I rushing? Why do I have to finish college in 2 years? What was the minister of Education thinking? Time is money, time is money, time is money...... Even if that's true, if we use our time to only make money, that's when we truely die. Life has no meaning if it was only for money. Life has no meaning if we do not enjoy it... I wish that I did things my way and not follow what society expects. But then, I would be scared. Scared of being left behind by my loved ones....

I used to have dreams. I had a list of them that I enjoyed to enemurate in my older blogs. But now, they have all vanished. Where are they? Where are they now? I do not want to have a music band anymore. I do not want to be a good guitar player anymore. I do not want to create my own manga anymore.... I am so realistic that I have no ambitions. Saying to myself "It's impossible, it's too difficult"... Right now, I have common dreams that anyone wants. " Have a good job, have a house, becoming rich...etc"... I ahve become such a common person.....

Why do I wake up each day?

Even though. my messsage sounds depressing, I want to thank everyone who wished my Happy birthday, yuour wishes has truly made me happy... Thank you for all the beautiful gifts, and thank you to my parents for the little party they threw for me. You guys made my day brighter and my life worth living.

The cake is a lie!

2009-02-23T04:46:52Z

No, it is quite real and I even have proofs.

For Valentine's day, my boyfriend I have decided to make a cake for us to enjoy~
I think the idea is great because you get to spend time together at home and eat a delicous cake!
This is my first time making a cake with sucess after various failed attempts. It is not burnt!

It doesn't look too bad, does it?

Beautiful picture Bora took and I ahd fun editing :3

A little bit of fun~ Weeee~

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!
(It isn't just for lovers ^__~)
Take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel for them!

Un moment sacré...

2009-02-23T02:40:27Z

Il était l'heure de partir.
On ne pouvait rester là définitivement.
On ne pouvait rester dans cette chambre tout blanche.
La nuit tombait, la chambre devenait, de plus en plus grise...

Je lui fit un dernier regard.
Elle était fragile, si mince.
J'aurai bien pu croire que c'était la dernière fois que je la verrai.
Je lui prit la main.
Sa main était si petite que je pouvais l'enveloppait d'une seule main.
Elle était d'une légèreté qu'on pourrait croire qu'il n'y avait là que tout le poids de la vie qu'il lui restait.

Mon amoureux lui donna sa main également...
Et puis d'un simple geste,
Je craqua, car il y avait là tant de sentiments que je ne pouvais m'empêcher de pleurer
Elle unit nos deux mains de ses doigts fragiles.
Comme si elle acceptait notre union.

Ce n'était qu'un simple geste,
Mais pour moi, cela signifiait tout.
C'était la première fois que je connaissait un moment si sacré
Ce moment restera gravé en moi à tout jamais.

You must survive Grandma!

Clay works~

2009-02-07T05:26:33Z

Greetings~!
I saw my friend Derek's blog which was full of nice pictures of his figurines. It made me want to update mine a little! Yeah, me too, I want a blog full of pwetty pictures! It has been a while that I wanted to post these, but I would always find excuses not to. I am a pro at that. I can always find lame excuses not to do this and that. So yeah, for christmas, I wanted to make a nice gift for Jennie who is my closest friend. It was hard at first but then I thought of something original. I thought about our two special characters Blop & Blep! Wanna see them? They're right here...!!

Getting themselves ready to explore the universe!

Hummm~ It seems like they have landed in a strange jungle! ( I'm sorry, I forgot to edit their expressions, again my lazyness explains everything in the world.)

My friend also told me she liked sushis, so I added a little plus to the gift.

I was feeling creative so I made an onigiri and a lazy panda-san figures. I really like them!

I'm sorry! Some pictures look quite bad. I am still learning to edit pictures by adjusting the contrast but it is quite hard. Please bear with me for now =) I hope you have enjoyed this little session of photoshoot ^_^

Please hear me out...

2008-12-12T18:50:29Z

It's the first I had such a traumatizing dream...
It is the first time I have ever faced death.
Up until now, I never faced death. I have seen a few corpses of little animals there and there, but besides that I have never seen someone dead or someone about to die. But that dream. It was horrible. I will tell you about it...

For some reason, I was at some school, it wasn't my college but it looked pretty much like it.
The hall looked pretty much like section A of the 6th floor, but with much more doors that bring to the stairs.The walls were like always : yellow and red. For some reason, we have caught a '' criminal '' or actually even a '' terrorist ''. We have called a certain group of girls who are known to be able to read a person's mind. I know, that's pretty silly. No one believes in such kind of things. But if I were to call them something, maybe it would be a group of mediums. We let the criminal go to the washroom. The place where we wanetd to interrogate the criminal was in place that wasn't really part of the main building. It was like a bridge between two buildings. The washroom was also in that ''bridge'' part. I don't know why, there wasn't much security not to say none. Was it really a criminal? It was not clear. I was in the men washroom, and I was able to witness everything. I'm not sure what I was. Was I a soul? An invisible being? I'm not sure... I then saw another man who came in the restroom. He gave the '' criminal '' some kind of gadget. I don't know what. After that, everything went fast. The new man quickly ran out of the washroom. I followed him(by flying or running?). Looking at how panicked his face was I knew there was something wrong. He openned a door and ran down the stairs. I kept following him but he was quicker than me. I lost him from my sight and then heard a door close. When I tried to go closer. I saw red paint on the floor. Wait, red paint? It was more like water (tinted) with red.... The water and the red liquid didn't really mix, it flowed together and advanced near me. I freaked out, I ran back(Yes this time, I know I have legs) to the sixth floor. I returned to the men washroom. I saw that the '' criminal '' was installing something.

It was a bomb.
Now then, my fear really started to grow. I know my eyes were opening very widely. I also felt my heart beating fast and my breath being shorter and shorter by the minute. In a panic, I ran back to the stairs I came from and heard someone panting heavily. The sounds, they were getting louder and louder. No...
It wasn't the usual panting from exhaustion.
No, it was panting when you are fighting against death.

Even though the person seemed to suffer, his deep breathing scared me. I didn't want to see somebody hurt. I didn't want to see blood. I didn't want to see a disfigured man. Instead of going to help that person. I ran back to the sixth floor again.

It felt like all I was doing was running back and forth. Running. Running for my life. I saw the group of girls. They were of my age. They seemed so carefree. I couldn't tell them the criminal was putting a bomb! I just couldn't! Why? Why couldn't I tell them? Was it because I didn't care? Was it jsut because I was unable to talk. Instead of telling anyone about the problem, I...

I.. Simply ran again.

I ran, ran, ran, I ran because I was scared of death. I didn't want to die. I didn't want my body to explode into million of disgusting fragments.
At the same time, I felt guilty, because I think.. I didn't tell the other girls out of indifference.

Everything turned suddenly white.
I woke suddenly, almost in a violent and jumpy way. I was breathing heavily...
Damn.. That dream.. It.. It... It freaked the hell out of me!

DEAD! THEY'RE DEAD! NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT! NO!!

Images of bloody corpses kept appearing in my mind.
My eyes, they were wide open. I could not close them.
I had trouble to sleep back.
it was 3:45AM.

I'm sorry to have hated you for even one second.

2008-12-07T19:04:40Z

" The stars, they won't sing for us anymore..."

I'm not sure about how it sounds from others point o view but to me it is really poetic. It came to my mind this morning while I was thinking about the past. Yes, that past filled with stars and dreams. That past where stars were our dreams, our goals, our angel guardians for you ans for me... But now that the fairytale has ended.. The stars, they won't sing for us anymore... But even now, I still love them... They are my precious dreams... Even though they are slowly fading I still love them... I hold them dearly in my arms as they disapear into the cruel reality... No one to hold them with me.. No one to dream with me... The stars.. They won't twinkle nor sing for me anymore...

Once again, I made a foolish mistake. He appeared in front of me from nowhere. Why? Why did he appear like that? Was it to laugh at me? Was it to hurt me? Did he have something to tell me? I was confused, so I waited. I waited, and waited... In vain, there was nothing. I stared at him, but only silence stayed between us. I then, noticed a little star next to him. I was tempted... This star.. I wanted to touch it... Even though I told myself I wouldn't follow the stars anymore.. I still did. Even though I knew I would only get hurt if I followed it. I still wanted to touch it.... And I did.

It was totally unexpected... Once again, I was hurt, my heart was so twisted that tears could easily fall from my eyes... But even so... I wasn't hurt from hatred. I was hurt from guiltiness. I wanted to say 1 million of sorries. But even that much would not be enough to forgive me for having this feeling of hatred... I was mistaking all along.

A little ZackxCloud to cheer up. Images from isoparadigm

angelpsych0 @ 2008-11-28T21:52:00

2008-11-29T04:13:52Z

I finally have a best friend.

And

It's a boy I love very much. <3

I am a masochist.

2008-11-24T01:55:39Z

Happy birthday you poop.

Yeah, I've had enough of life.

Right now I am imagining myself going into a hysterical laugh. Yes, that kind of scary laugh. You know, the kind that Rena does in Higurashi no naku Koro ni? Yes that kind.

Fear me.

For once, updates about happiness.

2008-11-17T23:44:48Z

I think it is much easier to be happy than to rant about all the bad things.

I can't blame myself, I have more to say when I am unhappy than when I am happy. I don't know. Talking about happiness sounds a bit like I am showing off? Even so I am happy. Even though school piss the "hell" out of me. I am still happy.I just want to live a carefree life. Why do I have to get a job? Why do I have to school? Why is it so IMPORTANT to have money? If humans had never created such a thing, it would have been much better. We wouldnt have turned into such greedy creatures. And there goes my rant again. Oh dear, it seems, I can't hold myself can I? But what I say is true. Why am I going this far as to get high marks(Or try to)? What would those numbers bring me to? I only do things because my parents want me to do it. I only do it because my family wants it. I do it because SOCIETY wants it. I will tell you the truth. I'm not sure if Im enjoying what I do now. Back then, I have always been interested into various things. No really, I was interested in a lot and lot and lot and lot of things. I even wanted to do a Double DEC (something about two programs at the same time?) I had motivation when I was carefree. But I only feel pressure now. I'm not enjoying it. I'm not learning for the pure purpose of knowing. I'm learning to serve society. Even so, right now I'm happy. I don't believe in the "perfect job". Sorry to crush your dreams... I am just being realistic. All those dreams I used to have... They have shattered into millions and millions and millions of fragments. I have become a normal human like everyone else. I can't escape. The "dreamer" life isn't for me anymore.....

I'm sad. I want to go back to the Dream World, to Wonderland. I want to go back. No wait, it's too late. Reality has caught me up! It's too late! Too late!!!!

* is in a "délire suprême" *

Am I not amazing? I can crush my own mood :D! No I'm a fake, a fake a fakkkeee!

Yet another apology post.

2008-11-10T03:24:07Z

No, actually, why would I be sorry?
It's not like I had readers anyway, so why would I apologize?
This blog is for myself, for me, only me.

Everytime I post, it's to complain about the fact that I don't have much time to post. It's true that I don't have much time to post, but also because I don't think about posting. How has been my life? I wonder. My life might be on the verge of crumbling. Or maybe not? I'm sick of school. It eats all my free time. But if I knew how to organize my time better, I wouldnt spend my weekend on homework.

For some stupid reason, I went on my ex's blog. I'm not sure why do I return to that "forbidden" place. It just lingers there. In my favourites. It's not even one of my favourite links.. Why would I f*cking keep it?.. I don't know.. I don't know.. Once again, he talks about being happy. I almost sound like the devil witch. Damn, if I haven't f*cking left, we would have been stuck. You would have been stuck. Would you have known her? NO! So be f*cking thankful. I'm sorry for using such vulfur words >_< I know it doesn't really sound like me, but this is the frustrated me who is talking. But then, even though I am mad at that guy, if he is happy, than it is fine. We can forget painful things much better when we are surrounded with happiness. I jsut hope your family doesn't wish unhappiness on my family. If they really want to, just wish it on me alone. Don't drag anyone else. Just me. I take the blame. But so far, there doesn't seem to be a curse on me, although it's a tiny bit hard for my family right now. My dad lost his job. So things are much more unstable... Sometimes we would burst out of anger because fo the stress piling up... But.. We can manage it. I know. I really am trying hard to have good marks. Although I can't always reach the 90s. I think that being near the 85s, is what makes me happy.

I really want to introduce Bora to my parents. Because to me, I really think he is the man I want to spend my life with. I have never told it to him, neither did I tell it to people but... I really want to stay with this person for a long time. It's a bit odd because we have never promised each others anything. So to me, it is the best way of loving someone. I love him because I really do, not because of guilt, not because of a promise. Sometimes I wish that he was my first love. But even so, I still think that our relationship is really exciting and that we have great moments together. Just the thought of him leaving, or cheating on me.. My heart aches. Whenever we talk about something so painful, I just act neutral and cold or else, I would just cry..... I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could know what courage is. For once, I would like to do something courageous.

I want to be brave too.